Reminder: SG has a new home

If you're wondering where we went, we're no longer updating at blogspot.com. The Guys finally have a real home at SeriouslyGuys.com.

Our entire library from 2006 on can be found there. So, you can unbookmark this site now. Unless you like living in the past ... which is OK, but a little weird.

Thank you for supporting us during our formative years, and we hope you enjoy our continuing misadventures in becoming world-famous Internet socialites.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Monster House'

Some quick housekeeping: the Guys are taking off next week because we like turkey. Even more than the internet? Say it ain't so! We'll be back on Monday, November 26. In the meantime, do something important, like...reading a book, or bugging your family members. And alooooooooooooooong with the review:

'Monster House' is arguably the scariest movie that has ever been targeted to children. There are multiple children who will probably say to their parents, “Mommy/Daddy, I’m scared.” Luckily, the movie is also funny, sweet, and more than a little sad. The boys act like boys, the girls act like girls, and the adult figures, of course, treat the kids as if they were insane, like an animated Lemony Snicket story. And who else would be in the executive producer’s chair but Steven Spielberg, who has terrorized more children than the Devil, the boogie man and Barbra Streisand combined.

It’s only a few minutes after the departure of DJ’s parents that he kills his neighbor, old man Nebbercracker (voiced by Steve Buscemi). Nebbercracker has been terrorizing the neighborhood’s kids for generations, and he has a heart attack while engaging in a tirade against DJ (voiced by Mitchel Musso) for stepping on his lawn. Nebbercracker’s death is only the beginning of DJ’s bad day. It’s Halloween, and apparently Nebbercracker’s rickety old house isn’t pleased at DJ’s part in its owner’s death. Nebbercracker’s house is alive and angry. With his parents out of town, DJ and his friends, Chowder and Jenny, can only watch in horror as the house starts devouring neighborhood toys, pets, and eventually police officers that trod on its lawn.

Though much of the computer animation in Monster House is by today’s standards somewhat sub par, the look of the house itself is stunning; a beautiful, nightmarish dream (as opposed to the nightmares that the animation for The Polar Express created) that looks like it might have fallen right out of the head of Tim Burton. It’s a wonderfully alive, fiercely cinematic set piece; an effect so brilliantly conceived that a lesser film might have been content to rely upon merely the house’s toothy appearance as justification for the entire film’s existence.

Robert Zemeckis may have handed the directorial reins to newcomer Gil Kenan, but this is still Zemeckis’ show (he’s the other executive producer), using the same animation technique that both fascinated and disturbed viewers of 'The Polar Express.' This time, it’s the subject matter that does the disturbing; Nebbercracker’s death scene is downright freaky (it’s all in the point of view), and DJ’s subsequent nightmare sequence is not far removed from a scene in 'A Nightmare on Elm Street.' Rock-on Yikes. As a grownup, however, I lapped it all up; the movie’s sense of humor is quirky with occasional blasts of brilliance. Just wait until you hear Chowder’s answer when DJ calls and asks him where his parents are.

The climax involves our heroes deploying a huge construction crane in order to vanquish their adversary. Without referencing it too obviously, the scene hearkens back to the 1967 Hammer science-fiction film 'Quatermass and the Pit.' (A good film, if you haven't seen it; the U.S. title was 'Five Million Years to Earth.') Set around Halloween, "Monster House" manages to cull bits and pieces from Hammer, Hitchcock and the old-dark-house genre of 19th Century literature and early 20th Century stage and film. These bits and pieces manage to move quickly, without indulging in punch lines dependent on Britney Spears or Scientology. Older kids with a taste for fright will likely be interested in how the floorboards turn into big brown teeth and then back into floorboards. Viewers of all ages who survived the 2003 film version of the Disney ride known as 'The Haunted Mansion' will appreciate the improvement "Monster House" represents in the realm of old dark houses with great big secrets. I would wholeheartedly recommend the film to any parent that is getting sick of seeing zebras crossing the Atlantic in their animated features, or , for that matter, anybody in general that wants to have a fun time watching a fun movie.

A whiskey situation

Imagine the most horrible thing that could ever happen to humanity. Good. Now imagine that about ten times worse. That could be exactly how bad it could be if police in Tennessee have their way.

Thousands of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, much of it around the century mark, could be POURED DOWN THE DRAIN by police after being seized recently. The bottles were seized in warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, but no one has been arrested. The law calls for seized bottles that cannot be sold in the country to be dumped down the drain. The whiskey must be saved!

Key quote: "'Punish the person, not the whiskey,' said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. 'Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent.'"

Excellent point. Sure, whiskey has caused the premature exit of many a man's lunch, is responsible for a hazy memory or two and roughly 34 percent of the world's population today, but of this crime the booze is innocent. All it did was sit there in its bottle, as it has for decades, when someone brought it to a warehouse. Then one day police arrested the liquor and questioned it. But the whiskey, in its years of wisdom, just sat there silently pondering.

It's time for a mass protest in Tennessee. Who's with me?

Ask Dr. Snee, Guynecologist: Lungs … of iron!

Dear Dr. Snee,

How does an Iron Lung work? Is it anything like an Iron Cross?


To answer your question, I consulted my third favorite medical journal, Wikipedia. (My first two go-to sources are Men's Health and the Bible.) According to the WPMJ, the iron lung is a "negative pressure ventilator":

The person using the iron lung is placed into the central chamber, a cylindrical steel drum. A door allowing the head and neck to remain free is then closed, forming a sealed, air-tight compartment enclosing the rest of the person's body. Pumps that control airflow periodically decrease and increase the air pressure within the chamber, and particularly, on the chest. When the pressure falls below that within the lungs, the lungs expand and air from outside the chamber is sucked in via the person's nose and airways to keep the lungs filled; when the pressure rises above that within the lungs, the reverse occurs, and air is expelled. In this manner, the iron lung mimics the physiologic action of breathing: by periodically altering intrathoracic pressure, it causes air to flow in and out of the lungs.

Now, that might seem a little technical, but I’m a doctor. It’s my job to explain the bullpuckey researchers made up, just like how religious leaders explain the vague, contradictory rules of their gods. Allegory, which is Scandinavian for “pop culture or farm animal reference,” is our main tool of the trade.

The iron lung works like Tupac Shakur.

When Tupac was alive and recording albums, hip-hop fans on the west coast liked him. They, in the parlance of the kids, dug his rap. He was one hip dude. But he wasn’t universally recognized as a musical artist, just a really good rhymer-guy. He even made a movie or two, but nobody saw them because he wasn’t shooting anybody (unlike DMX’s far superior films). By saturating the market with his alive-ness, negative pressure caused his career to stagnate into having relations with Biggie’s wife.

When Tupac pulled an anti-50 Cent (not shrugging off bullets), the world suddenly appreciated his music. His albums crossed over into the playlists of music lovers whose hip-hop experience was limited to a fifth-grade infatuation with MC Hammer. They sold in record numbers. In short, the forces of negative pressure caused the lungs of America to inhale as much dead Tupac as it could get.

But the Tupac estate began to release newly rediscovered tracks. A posthumous collection of these works made people joke that he faked his death, in hiding from whoever tried to kill him. Negative pressure acted again, and we stopped craving new Tupac material because there was too much of it again.

Does the iron lung make sense now? Of course it does.

As to it’s relation to the Iron Cross, well, it depends on which iron cross you’re referring to. There’s the WWI and WWII medal awarded by Germany for meritorious acts, also known as the Teutonic Cross. And there are also regular crosses made of iron, but I’m sure they were replaced with gold or steel ones once the coffers were full enough. But there’s also the gymnastics maneuver on the rings.

The iron lung is nothing like those, but it is like your second question. As a doctor, I can’t cure paralysis, but I can put you in an iron lung when you’re too paralyzed to breathe on your own. Likewise, I can’t cure stupid, but I can answer your questions.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He's just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

Guy invents pepper spray/flashlight combo

Guy also invents great way to blind yourself at night.

On the toad again

Law enforcement is finally going after traitors to the human race and the animals they serve. At long last, cops have realized this is a war taking place inside our very borders and they are getting off their duffs to help us win.

Recently, a man in Kansas City was arrested in a drug bust. He had a Colorado river toad police say he used to get high. The best part about this is that they brought in the toad, too.

Key quote: "Both Theiss and the toad were taken into custody. While Theiss was released on bond, the toad remains detained at a police crime lab."

That's right! "Detain" that toad and all of his buddies. Run all the experiments you want, it's like high school biology all over again, but more fun.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

How To: Pick up girls online

Today's How To is very special, because it comes to us from some reader out there who this morning found us searching on Google for "how to pick up a girl on myspace." Because The Guys are all about serving the people, it's time to tackle this one. As you may remember, we have already taught you how to meet womens.

Tools:
Computer
Fingers
Vocabulary

1) Get to a computer, get connected. So you're a little too shy to go out to strip clubs and meet skirts like we suggested before. No matter, chum! That is why Al Gore invented the Internet. Odds are, you or someone you know owns a computer, unless you live in Africa. In which case, meeting someone is probably not a priority, eating is.

In any case, step one is getting yourself out there. You need to have a cool profile on MySpace and Facebook. If you don't, you're a loser and you will die alone, as you deserve to. The key here is to make a kick ass profile. Be sure to have pictures of yourself being cool, looking cool and doing cool things. Leave out the ones from the Star Trek convention or your Gandalf costume from Halloween, will you?

2) Look for love in all the places, be they right or wrong. Now that your profile looks bangin', it's time to search for the dames. Most social networking sites offer search options. as soon as you find it, set it to "female," and change nothing else. This will ensure you will have your pick of the ladies. Old, young, married, single, lesbian, heterosexual--it's all at your fingertips. Scan the list to your hearts' desire.

Make sure you only pick the ones who have profile pictures. This ensures that they are a) most likely in fact female and b) attractive to you. Go after the ones that are taken, after all, you've always had the fantasy about being the other man, same thing about finding the hooker and convincing her to go legit. You don't want to meet in person, so here's where you need to shine.

3) Reach out and (inappropriately) touch someone. This is a basic fact: broads love explicit greetings, especially from strangers. Take it from television's Mark Steines, Bill O'Reilly and David Copperfield, the dirtier you are, the better.

When you send the woman of your infatuation a message make sure at some point it includes the words "fondle," "creamy" and "torture." If you don't have them in there, well my friend, you might as well not send it at all. How will she ever know how you feel if you aren't bold enough?

4) Be vigilant. So you sent a couple out and didn't get a response, or got something unfavorable back. It's OK, there are plenty more desperate fish in the online sea. If you keep plugging away at it every night (and we mean that in the most non-euphemistic way possible), you'll eventually get someone who likes your style. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

So chin up, friend. There is hope for you, now that you have seen the light and become cool. Once you and the woman of your wet dreams finds you, be sure to send us an e-mail and tell us about how it went.

Ladies: Are you looking for a man, any man? Even a Guy will do? Let us present Chugs "Chris" Taylor.

Shot!

In an ironice role reversal, a postal worker was shot in the leg by a person that was a bit disgruntled about their mail coming late.

Hypothesis: 12 to 18 months in jail

A Massachusetts doctor claims he was just doing "research" when a undercover cop busted him for solicitation of prostitution ... which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty good alibi when your specialty is infectious diseases and STDs. Hello! How do you think he became an expert in the first place? After all, maybe he was trying to figure out why chlamydia rates are so up.

Headline of the Day

Once again, creativity in this crazy war is coming from the South. Why? This blog can only imagine it's because they have guns and a great deal of free time on their hands.

We won't spoil this one for you, but it involves a non-lethal weapon, a high school class and taxidermy. Wait--they teach skills like that in an Arkansas high school? Who would have thought?

Key quote: "'He used the nail gun to, as they say, to dispatch the animal,' Lievsay said. 'It wasn't like he held a nail gun against the head of a cute little animal in front of the class.'"